Friday, December 8, 2023

You Don’t Truly Want a Relationship.

January 6, 2021 by  
Filed under News, Opinion, Relationship Talk, Weekly Columns

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( You say you want to have a healthy, loving, passionate relationship with a man that will value you in every way imaginable. You want to be with someone that will make you and your ambitions a priority…someone who will love you beyond what you have been through. This person can see you despite all your scars and challenges. You want this brother to have a heart of compassion to understand that you aren’t perfect. You have your days, but you are always working to be a better you. You don’t want to pay for the mistakes of the women in his past that have hurt and abused him. You need him to see you as an individual. He may have had horrible encounters with family, but he needs to look at your family with fair eyes.

This sounds amazing, but the question is can you truly offer the same in return. Think about how you quantify your understanding of relationship. Look at how many times the word you (which is I) shows up. If you can replace you with him in the above mentioned and have any objection at all…you don’t want a healthy relationship. You want a one-sided situation that will bring you comfort at the expense of the person you are with because it’s all about you. That is toxic. Yes, Sis that would mean selfishness, and hypocrisy that would need to be addressed.

black couple talking - black love

The idea of wanting to be in a space whereby you are not alone and have a companion that adds wonderful to your life is a beautiful thing. However, nothing in live comes without work, understanding and compromise…especially a relationship. The spotlight is grand, but it doesn’t work in the confinements of a relationship. Take some time to access what you want verses what you give…truly. It’s very easy to say “I don’t hurt people. I get hurt.” However, as sure as we are all human, yes, you’ve hurt someone…and you’ve made mistakes in relationships. Situations are rarely one-sided. It is not an easy task to access who you are in these spaces because it is so much easier to see what our partner is not doing, what they should be doing, and it’s easier to rip their character in the game of assumption as to why they aren’t doing it. Heaven forbid they turn that same assessment towards you.

A helpful exercise to taking the time to write down your expectations, and why you want the things on your list. Then write what you are willing to give, or give, your partner. If what you give is less…think about why. You might find there are some unresolved situations you must heal from; it might be helpful to get therapy for those areas. It is very difficult to work out ourselves as it can become difficult to be objective.

It is important to heal for oneself verses working out your healing on another individual which may never lead to the healing you need. You might not realize it, but if you give a one-sided reality…you don’t want a relationship. You are just looking for someone to validate you, pacify your past hurts and cater to you at the expense of themselves. You don’t deserve to be treated that way, but neither does the person you are with. For black love to heal and grow we must all do our part to in working on self.

Staff Writer; Adonicka Michele

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