Friday, April 12, 2024

I Went Back to Church for Order.

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( It can be said that’s important to have something to believe in. When I was a kid my grandmother used to harp on the need for decency and order. She was a Deaconess and would talk for hours about the order of the church, and of the home. I admit on many days I hated her order sermons, but I realize she had a valid point. Order can help bring about peace in one’s home. Decency coupled with order can bring peace to relationships, and make it possible to work through challenges in life, and with people, in a productive manner. It was a hard pull to swallow that, as a woman brought up in the church with this dynamic elder, my life was out of order. My mind, heart, spirit…my energy was as chaotic and disorganized as my surroundings.

It seemed that plenty continued to happen, including the rapid down spiral of my health. Sisters, there comes a point when you start to believe there is a level lower than rock bottom. It is in that space that I came to realize it was time to stop the useless fight with God, and embrace the need for decency and order in my life and in my home. That realization was a breath of fresh air, but I began to question how to get on the path to order.

I remember when my life was much simpler, I took so much for granted. I never took the time to really invest in my spiritual self-care. I figured grandma prayed for me, I said my prayers before bed & in the morning, and I blessed my food, so I was good. I knew how to cry out unto God when I found myself in a jam, but that proved to be a challenge when my health disappeared. It never occurred to me that God was being misused by me, and that my expectations were rather selfish. Though my treatment of others was not indecent my treatment of self was devoid of any decency. Everything around me came crashing down as health reports came back worse, and the few family members I could depend on passed. I was left with not even five people I could trust, and a nomadic existence. This is where the lessons regarding decency and order began to rise up in me.

I knew in that moment I needed to go back to church. sometimes we need to go back to a place whereby we can find God in structure, patterns, and even people. It was not lost on me that before this could occur, I had to settle my issue with God. I needed to take ownership of the decisions I had made up to this point that were not in my best interest…and I knew it. I blamed God for the decisions of others…and even though I knew what was going on God was just an easier target in my mind. Granted I was also deeply angry regarding my health and though I learned how to mask that emotion…it was also directed towards God.

When I decided to head back to church it was a no brainer that I was headed to a place rooted in the Black community. I needed elders…to sit and talk with a church mother. I choose not to apologize for this need as no one else does. Sitting down with a church mother I remembered was everything I needed. She listened to me, let me cry, scream, fuss (no cussing of course), and she took the time to walk me through my bible to address my concerns. She was honest with me, and though it cut deep I felt the path to healing being paved. I sat in the church and looked around; as I sat there, I took in all the order I had taken for granted. I was inspired to go home and get my house in order. Going back to church and letting my anger, which was due to my spiritual ignorance, go started me on the path to restoration that I am currently on.

I’ve been able to stay in the same place for more than three months, my health issues still exist but I see improvement, my outlook on life is clearer, and I have a peaceful disposition. I’ve decided to leave the past in God’s hands and move on. There is decency and order in my life again, and church help get me to this place. I understand why it was a center point for our people…it helped us work through pain. The healing always began with decency and order.

Staff Writer; Chelle’ St James

May also connect with this sister via Twitter; ChelleStJames.

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