Saturday, June 15, 2024

Believing in BAE After Breakup.

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( I want to fully disclose that this writing came as a result of envy and my desire to understand it so that I can overcome it.

I have seen men get a divorce. Then, three weeks later, marry someone else.  My right eyebrow arches for about 5.3 seconds, but it does not bother me.  Then, I see women do the same.  I immediately become the emotion “Anger” from the movie Inside Out. How?! How can you just move on like that?! Why did I not inherit that ability?!  Please understand:  I am not a believer in love at first sight.  It took many frogs before I met my Prince, my husband.  I have also been the constant support to those who have had to love, then lose, then divorce.  During the process, I am the pillar of support in whatever way they may need me (I have not had to go to jail yet, thank goodness.).  For some,  it takes them time to move forward.  For some, it only takes the next swipe right for them to find someone else.

Marriage, to me, is a deep experience.  It is kind of like a good version of horcruxes in Harry Potter movies. Voldemort used horcruxes to split himself into many pieces so he would be difficult to destroy.  In marriage, you pledge to give pieces of yourself to someone so you can cultivate a relationship that is based on how you two become one.  If you have given pieces of yourself to one person, how does one do that again so easily?  After asking many different men and women these questions,  the following are the conclusions.

First, they know themselves. Those I have seen find love again did one of the following:

  • Option 1: They maintain their same personality through their marriage. After divorce, they became the exact opposite in their romantic relationships.
  • Option 2: They took time during or after the divorce to reflect on themselves. Then, they worked on themselves.

Whichever they did, they had a keen grip on who they were and what they offered to their next relationship. Their change was definitely an improvement for the next person. It was like the first marriage was a wake up call that who they were was not appropriate for anyone.  They knew they had to change in order to be a better person for their significant other.  As a support system, it is weird to see this.  You expect these people to act like you, but they do not. They develop their own style of dealing with pain and moving on from it.

The second conclusion is that they understand the risk.  Those I have seen find love again understand that putting themselves out there is a choice.  It is a choice that can be more detrimental than the previous relationship. It is a choice that can damage what little piece of compassion is left in their heart.  Nevertheless, they take the risk.  In my observations,  I think it is because they know themselves a little better so they know what can bring. They also know their likes and dislikes more as a result of the previous relationships.  All of this prior knowledge makes it easier for them to take a risk with someone new.

The final conclusion is that they believe in a different kind of love.  I have heard of many types of love thanks to my Christianity beliefs, but the type that gives them the courage to self-reflect and take risks is definitely something really different.  It is as if they believe that the compassion, trust, and admiration they have curated from previous experiences deserves to be shared with someone else.  It is a multi-faceted love. It believes in setbacks being setups for comebacks. It believes that time is never wasted if I am with someone who makes it pass with feverance.  I understand the love because of what I have experienced with my husband, but I can not imagine sharing that with anyone else.  I applaud these people who are able to do so even with the possibility of failure.

Some married women with lasting relationships subconsciously find problems with those who can “jump” from one relationship to the next.  We do not understand it. We find it uncomfortable.  While I can not speak for all of those women, I feel to a certain extent a type of shame.  If I am supposed to be a supportive and empathetic friend,  why are my prejudices hindering me from being able to be that support?  It should not.  I should be able to put my negativity aside to be a pillar for those I love.  This does not mean I am a pushover. I am not going to stand by while those I love are abused or misused. However, I should not compare who I am and what I do to those who are not me.  People who choose to love after divorces or long-term relationships are brave. They are resilient.  They deserve whatever chances the universe, fate, or a higher power have for them.  They have every right to believe in another Before Anyone Else.

Staff Writer; J. W. Bella

May also follow this talented sister online over at; JWB Writes.

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