Friday, April 12, 2024

It’s Not You. It’s You.

September 11, 2019 by  
Filed under Health & Wellness, News, Opinion, Weekly Columns

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( I am a sucker for a great comedy tv show or movie. I have been laughing at “Living Single” and Coming to America since I was way too young to be watching either one.  One of the funniest plots I enjoy are the ones when people break up with .’people for the most outlandish reasons: big feet, sloppy kisses, Jheri curls that mess up furniture fabric.  When they are giving the break up speech, you will eventually hear this phrase “It’s not you…it’s me.”  This is dumper’s subtle way of trying to make the dumpee feel better about this disastrous situation occurring. We, the audience, know the game and proceed to laugh at the retarded repetition of such of faulty rhetoric.

But…what if the phrase’s meaning was true?  What if you are the problem and you do not realize it?  How do you deal?  How do you admit the truth?  How do you recover from the truth?  It will not be easy, but there is a way to move forward when you are the problem in a relationship.

I am in no way expecting you to become the offspring of Inspector Gadget and Sherlock Holmes and go on adventures trying to solve a murder mystery.  I am simply asking you to be aware of when you are being neglected.  Recognize and admit to yourself the truth: they do not want you in their life anymore.  If your friend or partner’s reactions to you are inconsistent or starting to be non-existent, it probably means their attention is elsewhere.  You have to learn when to recognize you are giving more than they are willing to do.

The next step is a difficult step, but it is definitely necessary for you.  It is simple: forgive. Allow yourself the ability to recognize that you were wronged and you allowed it to happen by choice.  It does not mean that you are a horrible person. It simply means you understand an area of relationship building that needs to be handled differently. Recognizing your faults in forgiving can help with the final step of rectifying your part in the relationship.

Erykah Badu.  Woman. Mother. Singer. All around awesome badass.  Her song “Bag Lady” does a beautiful job of reminding people (in Erykah’s case women) the fault does not always lie with the other half of the relationship. Sometimes, you hold on to baggage that you should have dropped off at the dumpster a LONG time ago.  One of my favorite lines from her lyrical poetry was repeated multiple times: “One day…all them bags gone get in your way…” The last part of fixing yourself in a relationship is to handle your baggage.  For some, it is letting the baggage go. For others, it is adjusting your baggage to what you need to care for you even if it is not a want.  It is the most difficult part because you have to admit that you are holding on to things that need to be released so you can be better and live better.

Society will have most people believe that the fault in a relationship is not us.  We are perfect. They are stupid.  It is their fault. However, that makes no sense.  We chose to be in the relationship with the person. There was something we were attracted to that we wanted to explore and possibly make into something more. So when it does not work out, do not immediately go to blaming the other person.  Think about your part in relationship. Sometimes, it really is you.

Staff Writer; J. W. Bella

May also follow this talented sister online over at; JWB Writes.

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