(ThySistas.com) Far too often life can become a monotonous battle to survive. Every day it feels like something else is happening. Just when you think it can’t get any worse…it does. As a woman, we often feel it’s important to keep pushing, keep praying, and try to keep ourselves together. The thought doing something for self that being joy and peace may cross the mind, but it is filed away in that forever mental storage box marked, maybe another time. Though the world seems on fire upside down we cannot allow it to make us forget the gift that is our own life. This is key, because too many of us understand the value of the people around us, and just life in general…but we forsake self.
Far to often we do not realize the gravity of this mistake until what we could do for self is threatened or no longer an option. Reality hits us when we can’t move…when those we love leave us here, and when we become faced with out own mortality. All of a sudden, the “maybe another time” box comes to the forefront of our mind. We realize we are not living…we’re just here. We’re just here moving from one day to the next until we are no more. No matter what is happening sometimes you must stop and tell yourself…don’t forget to live.
I have lived with debilitating health conditions for the majority of my adult life. I decided I never wanted to marry because I felt it was wrong to burden someone else with my health challenges, and I knew having children was not an option. I would find ways to try to justify my existence by giving all I could to those I loved. I tried to show up to everything that my body would allow. However, I never allowed myself to think about the things I wanted…places I wanted to see and things I would like to accomplish. The only thing I never gave up was writing…but even that became more of a necessity than the joy it had always been. Before my last aunt passed away, she asked me a very profound question, “Chelle do you want up with the intention of living, or dying”? At the time I couldn’t really process what she was asking, and once she passed the time for asking for clarity was gone. I continued in the way I had been…active in my family, my neighborhood, my church, just making my body move past its limits like this was my penance. If I am limited by illness this is the least I can do to justify my being alive. You see, I never understood my existence was enough. I deserved a chance at happiness because I was alive. I didn’t understand that I had a right to truly live as much as possible.
Those dear to me tried to help me live some, tried to introduce me to different things but I didn’t feel I deserved it so I blew it off. Well, just when I thought life couldn’t get any more challenging it did. My body started shutting down. I was admitted to the hospital and for the first time in a long time I thought I was on my way to the other side. As I laid in the hospital bed, I remembered my aunt’s question. I understood in that moment that I was not living with the intention…I was just existing and waiting to die. I was moving through life like I just didn’t want anyone to come to my funeral and say she never worked, never tried, and never helped. What was missing was I didn’t realize…she had not lived. Here I was laying in the hospital bed, and I had not seen anything outside of my city, I had not written the books I wanted to, I had not played the video games on my list, and there were many different foods I wanted to taste. More importantly, I wanted to taste life. Even if I had to have an abridged version due to my health, I needed to do more than just exist. I promised myself if I made through this health scare I would life with intention, and I would take care of myself…my whole being.
Life is difficult, and being a Black woman adds to the challenges. However, take the time to live. Move the ideas and dreams from your “maybe later box” and move them to a vision board. Live with intention, not just for others, but also for you. When it’s over you deserve to say, I have no regrets. Only you can make that a reality, and your every existence is deserving of such. No matter what is going on…do not forget to Live.
Staff Writer; Chelle’ St James
May also connect with this sister via Twitter; ChelleStJames.