(ThySistas.com) Family has always been a very difficult subject for me. I have been battling with various illnesses for a long time, I have lost loved ones, and have been betrayed by loved ones. When you have endured so much there is a strong urge to protect self by closing off one’s heart. For a very long time I watched life happen around me not daring to get involved. It was safer to create a world whereby all I truly needed was me. You begin to think there is freedom in being cold natured, because even though you quietly crave the warmth you want no parts of the perceived harm that comes with such. In this space you may be allowed to feel, for a time, that you are healing…and thriving even. You have less nights that are tearful, and you become accustomed to the silence that has become your life. You come and go as you please answering to no one, and you have expectations of no one. On occasion you show up to family and social events, and you engage just enough for no one to suspect how isolated you are inside. This is working, so you think, as far as you are concerned you are healing just fine and beginning to take the position that human interaction is rather overrated.
What you are not able to see is that you are drifting further into an ocean by which you will eventually begin to drown inside. No one is made to exist without love. Isolation is a prison cell, and many of us are locked up without any knowledge of such. Unfortunately, too many of us don’t realize how sever the situation is until we face the ultimate equalizer in life…death. This come to Jesus can be through the loss of a loved one, or through a near death experience in your own life. Either way, it has a way of slamming you back into the reality of the fact that you are alive. The reality that healing did not happen…damage happened.
I remember thinking life was negatable. I had been through so much that I truly began to become content that I didn’t need love at all. It wasn’t until I was fighting for my life, literally, that I learned nothing could be more wrong. Yes, I had loved and lost more times than my heart could bare to recall. However, when faced with death all I could think about, honestly, was Cain from Menace II Society. I wanted live, I wanted to love, I wanted to experience the beauty of humanity…and I was praying that I was not going to be in the same situation as poor Cain realizing it was too late as I flatline from this plane of existence. Well, I did flatline…but I was also given a second chance at living. I wanted to have an understanding of love first from a spiritual perspective, and allow that to lead my humanistic perspective. What I’ve found is love is liberating…it is literally freedom. Love is joy and strength. It is so much more than just people and yet those connections showed me love also.
When I took a moment to step from behind the wall I had built, I saw people praying for me, crying for me, waiting for me…they love me. No it wasn’t a lot of people, but the amount didn’t matter because what was there was genuine and for me. With the help of God my small powerful village has helped me stay alive. I am actually living and experiencing life and living fully for the first time.
This is important because so many of us are searching for meaning in our life while trying to be numb to life. When there is an absence of love emptiness, bitterness, and eventually a quiet hatred take root. These negative things slowly siphon out our ability to feel and live fully. These things become an internal solitary confinement. None of us are built to withstand what in prison is called the “soul breaker”. We need warmth…it’s just that simple. I’m in no way saying run back to those that hurt and abuse you. However, I am saying building a wall that would keep out the village will love, support, encourage, uplift, and value you is suicide. As I preciously stated, we are not built to be alone…so let’s not use that as a mask to cover healing of pain and grief that needs to happen to move forward with the life you deserve. Remember love is something you deserve…and it’s how you stay free.
Staff Writer; Chelle’ St James
May also connect with this sister via Twitter; ChelleStJames.