(ThySistas.com) It’s often said regarding relationships “women never admit when they are wrong” or that “women are always right”. Sistahs lets be honest, some of us believe both of those statements. This is not to say men are neve wrong. We are aware there are men that mistreat women in relationships, and often allow their ego and pride to be the undoing of a relationship that could have been beautiful. We are aware of this and speak to the mistreatment of men…which we should. In our quest for equality, and proper treatment we must willing to function at the level of the standards we set. Men can be wrong…they can cause a relationship to go downhill, and so can we. If men ought not make excuses for their behavior, listen to reason, and make a mends when they are wrong, we must do the same. This is not a comfortable subject, in part, because of the social climate we live in, and because in some areas (definitely not all) women have different expectations when it comes to verbal confrontation, and assumption. We have different challenges we face that, at times, are used to justify why we can become combative or think as we do in a situation. Sometimes our past is the justification for our behavior, and as with men pride and ego play a part as to why we don’t always own the things we do and say.
Many of us have been hurt in past relationships and have had to navigate our way through various abuses and traumas. Those kinds of situations make it difficult to trust, and sometimes the pain shows itself in a defensive manner. Meaning, we could be wrong in a situation,
and no matter how its presented, we see ourselves as being attacked especially if the source of our trauma is a man. This can cause us, in a relationship, to assume a man’s behavior when he’s done nothing wrong, become verbally combatant when he tries to explain his feelings or responds to us voicing a concern. If he doesn’t respond fast enough to our call or text it can cause anxiety for some of us leading us to accusing him of every lewd action under the sun. If we come to find out something was going on, or that he wasn’t dishonoring the relationship it can be difficult to apologize.
Its easier to continue the fight and find some way by which the fault rests with him…like he should have responded sooner. Sometimes when we bring up situations, we may want him to say okay Hunny I will do better whether he’s right or wrong. However, he is not allowed to expect the same of us. These kinds of situations can be a direct result of insecurity caused by deeply rooted pain that has nothing to do with the person we are currently with.
Sistahs we have to bring ourselves to a place of healing. Though our pain is real its not okay to use it as a weapon…even if we don’t realize that’s what is happening. Many people are living with pain and abuse…not just us. We are quick to remind a man that we are not the women or situations of his past. We do not deserve his abuse because of his past, and many of us are finding the courage to stand up and say we will no longer tolerate the treatment. It is very important to know if we are the person starting the fights we are just as wrong as he is in that moment. It is wrong for anyone to demand what they are not willing to give. Everyone must be fair. No person should have their character drug through the mud because their partner is taking out their past pains on them. Sistahs sometimes the culprit is us, and if it is, we have to take responsibility and make amends. We can’t keep up the fight once we realize we are in the wrong.
Some of the fight is fueled by hurt, but then there is also our pride, ego and need to be right…because men are almost always wrong. We must remember that our children see this and learn from it just as the same applies to men. I can honestly say some of my past relationships failed because I had not dealt with my past hurts…I took them out on the man I was with. It took a long time to be able to come to terms with my own insecurity, and that my mouth had become an abusive weapon on many occasions. I disregarded his feelings because in my pain I wanted to be understood without any thought of what I was doing to him. It took a really good male friend to one day flat out tell me “just because I’m a man doesn’t mean my feelings are any less than yours”. In that moment I realized I needed to take accountability for my own hurt ridden actions. Sistahs many of us hurt, and no one is arguing that…but we must give what we expect. We must heal, and realize sometimes we get it wrong, and we must hold ourselves accountable. If we don’t, we are no better than those we speak against.
Staff Writer; Chelle’ St James
May also connect with this sister via Twitter; ChelleStJames.