(ThySistas.com) The fight to be independent and prove that one is strong enough to get things done alone can sometimes remove us from a part of our human journey. It can be difficult to say we need others. Let’s be honest too many of us, as Black women, are starting to feel that returning to our peace means embracing being alone. Too many of us shrug off the reality of what that actually means. Being able to list all of the things we can do without help has become some strange badge of honor. We live alone, work alone, achieve scholarship alone, secure the bag alone, and we don’t need anyone. This is the public persona…when the truth is those closest to us know that in our loneliness there are traces of fear.
We make sly comments about those that appear to depend on others, especially if it’s a man, while we low key lament not having a support system that shows up for us. This can lead to the sabotage of a proper support system because we are in denial that one is needed while our hearts plead. The few people allowed near us, or survive our hypocritical standards, are often pushed past their capacity because they know we are not as strong as we depict…and if they don’t answer no one will. As we prepare to go into another year, as a collective and individually we as Black women must understand living alone…and isolated can be scary. Embracing this truth does not make us week…it is allowing self to acknowledge the humanity and vulnerability within. We do not know what the upcoming years will hold, but if we are internally uncomfortable with a state of living alone, we need to acknowledge this to ourselves before anything can change.
When we think about living alone, we tend to limit that to just being in a physical living space by ourselves. Often times we neglect that we can be surrounded by others and be in a state of living alone. Physical isolation is not required to be isolated. With that being said, for some that isolation is played out physically. It’s understood that some of us have no choice in that matter, but some of us do and choose loneliness to our own detriment. Let me just say we are not talking about putting oneself in hostile and toxic environments for the sake of living amongst others. No, we’re talking about allowing oneself to accept help, be among others that would love and protect us, and acknowledging when the world becomes a scary place in whatever way that surfaces.
For some of us health challenges and the anxiety that comes with them can be exacerbated when the risk of having a health episode alone sinks in. For others it could be realizing you are alone in an unsafe environment you can not manage. However, it can also be something as simple as not facing internal hardships alone…not saying a single word when you have people that would gladly show up for you. This community could be made of various individuals, organizations, and institutions…by now we understand it doesn’t have to be blood. Sometimes the hardest part of this matter is coming to terms with the fact that those that show up very well may not be biological family. Struggling with the trauma of conflict with biological family runs deep for so many of us. There might be times that we long for blood family so much that we push away the cultural and spiritual family the universe has given us. This not only leads to living alone in a sense, but also more emotional trauma. Life will already bring various hardships…we need not make it worse by isolating self while chasing those that harm us.
Recently I experience this scary loneliness as my home was broken into. Part of me wished a strong man lived in my home instead of me being single. There was part of me that felt like my space being violated cut me off from others so though people cared I felt alone. There was the feeling of wishing the little blood family had would move towards me like they cared. The reality of my deteriorating health was overwhelming as my mind grappled with the what it’s that could have happened. I would have not been able to defend not help myself. However, in all of this once thing I forced myself to acknowledge is I do have a village. I do have people in my life that care and at this moment I need them. I need to not live in loneliness and fear. No degree of independence could accommodate for the need of human connection. I say this knowing it’s not easy. If you are feeling alone allow the village that loved you to kill the fear and embrace you.
Staff Writer; Chelle’ St James
May also connect with this sister via Twitter; ChelleStJames.