(ThySistas.com) My mother has always been an example of a calm demeanor. Some would have thought she was cold, but she is the type of person that has her emotions under control. I’ve watched the elder women in my family demonstrate a soothing calm when it seemed like all hell was breaking loose. Whatever they were feeling or thinking was shielded from others, and it could not be used against them. There was no rush to tell everyone what they were feeling…they didn’t feel the need to “pop off” in the way that we might understand. They seemed to always have a plan, and even if they didn’t know exactly what to do, they had an idea of where to start. Women that move in a calculated manner are the embodiment of calm & collected. Understand that these two things do not imply that you are without a temperament, don’t get angry, and won’t “pop off”.
However, it means when you do go off it is calculated and on your terms. Being in control of a situation allows you to have the chance to see and think clearly. Granted I might add this calm position is not easy as one can be misunderstood for being cold, or passive. Either way, what others think is not more important than learning how to wield a power that can put you in the best possible position regardless of the situation.
We are currently living in a time whereby showing one’s feelings, emotions, and thought process is celebrated. This has a place but there is still a space to be reserved and to have things for yourself. There is a celebration of the woman that will tell you off, confront you immediately, and the read is considered savage if she is educated and uses that vocabulary. Though there is nothing wrong with this presentation that doesn’t equate to calm nor collected. Controlling the narrative based on what you choose to give others while keeping your cool is power. Remaining collected mentally and physically in heated moments that are baiting you for a reaction is power. In the need to be heard we are surrendering the power to control when and how we respond to a matter. When that happens, you might find that you look back on an encounter and question your verbiage, physical position, and rational. My father has two daughters, and one thing he instilled in us is…it’s not always what you say or do but when and how you execute what you’re going to do that matters.
As women learning how to truly be calm and collected requires us to do a different kind of work, and self-assurance. There are many examples of a calm presentation, but what we might not know is what we are witnessing is not authentic. Because of the lack of authenticity, the mask tends to crack at some point, and we are left wondering what happened to the woman we thought was so put together and in control of her disposition. When this happens its easy to lean to the mindset of this is what it means to be human. That we can’t be in control in every space, so when everything goes left eventually, we need to understand this is normal and to be expected. We call this caring for, and understanding, our fellow sisters…and giving grace/love instead of judgment. What we may not realize is we might not be giving either of those things but allowing said sister an out and space to rebuild a mask that will later fail her again. This is not to say we don’t have off days, but consistency is necessary when building either a mask or a true calm and collected disposition. When it’s true it’s a part of who you are, and it becomes your default response regardless of how much pressure is applied.
Though we are united in culture and shared experiences as Black women we are not a monolith. Cool and collected will not look the same for every woman as our natural personality and aura has a part to play in how it manifests itself. However, there are some areas of commonality. Women that are truly calm and collected tend to observe situations as objectively as possible. They understand that emotions are apart of their humanity, but they don’t let emotion guide their movement. They try to be honest with themselves, if possible, before encountering others regarding a matter. This means they may not give a knee jerk response to a situation. When they give an immediate response, it’s still thought out as they may have anticipated the situation so thought was given to how they want to communicate. When calm and collected you tend to listen intentionally and do so without projecting self.
Furthermore, if the calm and collected woman is missing information she may refrain from commentary or giving her thoughts. These women understand the power of both words and silence…and they apply them accordingly. They don’t need validation from the public that their mind and existence is relevant. This self-love and self-reliance tend to be at the core of why others can’t bait them to act out of character according to their principles. Lastly, they are principled, and society doesn’t dictate this for them. It is important that we encourage calm and collected in each other and the young women growing up with love, honesty and reassurance. This is a dynamic way that we can continue to help lead and advocate for change in our community, while maintaining an internal state of peace regardless of the challenges life throws at us.
Staff Writer; Christian Starr
May connect with this sister over at Facebook; https://www.facebook.com/christian.pierre.9809 and also Twitter; http://twitter.com/MrzZeta.