(ThySistas.com) I was reflecting about a situation recently, and in doing so I realized we were all moving forward from said situation…but there had been no true healing nor reconciliation. Far too often we believe moving forward together requires reconciliation and nothing could be further from the truth…especially when dealing with family. When we reconcile there is a peace and harmony that is restored, and in that space, there can be healing…which implies health has or is being restored to the relationships and space. We can move forward when these things are present, but the truth is we can also move forward with no reconciliation nor healing. Moving forward simply implies we are no longer in that place. Every day that we wake up we are moving forward regardless of the state of that movement. Because movement and a lack of healing can exist in the same space many of us are moving but there is a ticking time bomb moving with us.
The lack of truth regarding this matter is can tribute to long-term internal resentment, and even generational resentment as it can be passed on to our children. This is dangerous. We must take a moment individually, and within family to question are re reconciling and healing as we move forward…or are we lying to self and deceiving others under the guise of a false healing with no reconciliation? This is important because the time bomb mentioned can go off at any time, and the longer it is allowed to exist the deeper the damage when everything comes to a head.
We often hear conflict coming to a pause because someone uses the magic words, “I need to heal”. Though this may be true…all parties involved require healing. Healing is not something that is needed for the person seen as the victim or person harmed in a conflict. All parties involved need healing, but the type tends to vary. Within the family we find that those that manipulate, hide behind a false righteousness and throw rocks while crying tend to declare the need for healing in the aftermath of the harm they have caused. In these situations, all voices are not heard objectively, and sides are taken. The truth is there is no true healing, and reconciliation cannot happen because there has been silencing.
However, everyone moves forward. Family gatherings still happen, birthdays are still acknowledged, casual conversations are still had, and this is what we equate to reconciliation and healing. The truth is neither of the two have taken place…all parties involved have just entered into silence sweeping issues under the rug so that there is no more immediate fighting. Some in the family allow this to happen, even though they know the truth of the matters involved, because they know they will not be heard, and they will be unjustly made the villain. They know they will be lied to and lied on so for the sake of their peace in the moment they move forward in silence allowing those that are in the wrong to just be.
There is no freedom in this, and no lasting peace. If many of us look at the dynamics of our family, we will find that is why sometimes the ticking time bomb goes off at the funeral. Instead of loss bringing a family together to be each other’s support…it exposes the situations that have been festering internally. The moment of great distress exposes the lack of reconciliation and healing, but at this point the poison is so deep the truth of the cause is murky as it is intertwined with pain and deep-seated anger. Everyone moved forward and many didn’t realize a great reckoning is what they were moving towards. It it important to handle conflict properly even when doing so will cause one, even the elders, to re-evaluate how they feel, think, and what they believe in. When conflict arises, it is important to hear all parties involved even when it is uncomfortable. Everyone has the right to respectfully address how they feel and their viewpoint of what has happened.
When we respect each other in this way we can get to the bottom of a matter. Yes, this may mean having to correct self, and someone you feel biased to defend. It means being fair to all members involved. Through this uncomfortable, but necessary discourse we can reach a true place of accountability, healing, and reconciliation. We can then move forward in peace and togetherness knowing we are doing right by each other even when misunderstanding occurs. It allows us to make amends when an offense has occurred so that there is not hurt and anger festering in the hearts of our loved ones. This teaches our children how to manage conflict and be accountable. When move forward properly we can move together in unity.
Staff Writer; Christian Starr
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