(ThySistas.com) Walking away from the past when your heart is involved is never easy. I know it can be difficult for any person, but for the purpose of this perspective…it can be very difficult for a woman. It’s past time to have this conversation. So many of us have been in relationships whereby we love him more than we loved ourselves, we felt we could help him understand his purpose, we see so much in him, and if we love him harder, he’ll eventually love us back. There are those whereby there was never a real disagreement or falling out per se, but something seemed out of sync and the drift apart began. Sometimes we sabotaged the relationship. I know that is hard for many of us woman to admit, but sometimes we were the party that was toxic, abusive, unfaithful, or disregarding. The reasons for why he is in your past can go on for days, but please understand it may be very wise to leave him in your past.
Unfortunately, too many of us bet against self, and decided to play in yesterday. Far too often this is a recipe for inviting pain and suffering, and it will extend beyond you. Too many of us are wondering why we can be successful at work, in community, and even in family but when it comes to relationships, we seem to be on a never-ending cycle that we can’t seem to break. If we are honest, other areas of our life are lived going forward while this one seems to move in reverse too much. Some of us are literally recycling experiences with the expectation of something fresh and different. This feeds a cycle of trauma and heartbreak. It’s wonderful to be optimistic and to see the good in others, but sometimes we have to leave him in the past. Sometimes our happily ever after is ahead of us.
It can be very difficult to set your sits forward when you feel there is no movement happening. When meeting new people seems like an impossible task, because you just don’t seem to know what’s real anymore. It seems that so many people are fake from the internal to the external so why not bet, again, on what you already know. As time goes on, we live, and we learn. We become better people, right? Time should allow us the room to reflect, heal, grow…and then make different and better choices. The problem is there are too many examples in life and people that this is not always the case. Sista, let’s be real…what have you not healed from? This is the question because far too often going backwards is about not wanting to be alone, or seeking a validation that will not have to live with the devastation of a terrible decision.
Far too often, we don’t take the time to evaluate the man standing in front of us, verses the one from our past. In these moments we remember the best things about him, and all the wonderful ways he made us feel. We tend to have selective amnesia when it comes to the truth of why the relationship ended. I know you might be thinking, but Chelle people change. You are absolutely right, and those changes should be for them. However, they may not always be in your best interest. There are times when we just want to have someone there, but if we aren’t careful, we could be inviting a toxic spirit back into our space that we had to fight to remove. Time doesn’t aways remove abuse, lies, cheating, selfishness, and disrespect just to name a few toxic behaviors. It is important to make sure the decisions you are making are based in who you are now. Yes, he might be an ex because he changed in a negative way and was toxic…but he might also be an ex because you changed.
If we’re going to be completely fair, honestly must lead the discussion. Sometimes he’s the past because the man he is simply isn’t build for the woman you are. There might have been healing that needed to happen on you part as you might have been the toxic party. If you have you healed before going back to someone you hurt. This is a difficult self-discussion because no one wants to be the one at fault…especially us. However, in this we must give the same thing we want to receive. Furthermore, in terms of growth you may have found your purpose and truly got to know who you are and what you need in a partner.
Even if the brother is gold, he might not be what you need for who you are now. Of course, there are exceptions whereby the ex becomes the spouse they were always meant to be. However, in most cases…he’s an ex for a reason. We respect our past, but it is wise to move forward in purpose and that includes love. If you find yourself recycling the same relationships, and meeting the same unhappy ending its time for a new experience.
Staff Writer; Chelle’ St James
May also connect with this sister via Twitter; ChelleStJames.