(ThySistas.com) Loyalty is a very important characteristic of being a sister and friend to the women in your village. Everyone wants to be present when someone is riding high in life, as they are easier to be around. Happiness and success are easy to gravitate towards. However, the opposite can be said when one is going through a season of hardship. It is often thought that the truth of a relationship is tested when the storms of life are raging. However, wanting to show you are a loyal friend can sometimes be draining, and it can even be used against you.
How do you tell your sista-friend that it seems like every time you talk to her, she is in a storm? Furthermore, it’s not a seasonal issue because it has always been this way, and maybe different choices may have alleviated some of the struggle. This is such a hard situation to be in because as women we are often accused of not being supportive of each other in times of need. The truth is what I speak of is not a lack of support. In the name of being the best sista possible you take every call, show up in every crisis, and endure every vent session. Sometimes you find yourself in a mess of your own because your financial resources are even exhausted to be supportive. If this friend allows you to get burned out to this degree, it’s time to evaluate the relationship.
The issue with forever stormy sistas doesn’t start with them. In all honesty it starts with you. Yes, you want to be the best you can for those you love, but is this really the best? Are you operating in a friendship that is void of boundaries? Are you able to share your burdens or do you simply shoulder that of the other sista? Can you rely on those that are heavily relying on you? These are some of the questions you need to ask yourself in an honest space. It may not be easy, but it’s best to have a look at this before you find yourself at wits end trying to be loyal to a never-ending storm. In this space of self-reflection, it is very important to also consider what drives the lack of boundaries. I can honestly say for me, it was the fear of losing someone I loved. I had lost so many sista-friends, and family to death and conflict I just couldn’t handle losing anyone else. Because of this fear, I did everything I could to let my dear sista friend know I was in her corner. However, honesty was nonexistent, and I still ended up losing the relationship in the long run. Instead of doing the work to cultivate a healthy relationship, I found myself in a hospital at my breaking point because someone I dropped everything for didn’t bat an eye for me. It then felt like I was being betrayed, then I immediately tried to justify the disregard by reminding myself that she is going through a lot, and I needed to be understanding. This wrong me being unfair to myself; my initial feeling was right.
This leads me to a serious reality in relationships amongst us women, we need to have the space to be honest with each other about life, our feelings, and one another. This might sound like common sense, and it should be, but it is not. The definition of support is not agreeing with a sista just do that she doesn’t get upset. Granted I am talking about honesty in love, and not for the sake of being cruel of course. Your sista-friend is constantly making the same mistakes, the same bad relationship, the same irresponsible money management, constant drama in various relationships, while having everything to say about everyone, and she brings it to you and ask for your council…tell the truth in love.
Do not cripple your sista by telling her what she wants to hear, or agreeing with her so you don’t lose her friendship. The truth is you don’t have a healthy relationship with someone that you can’t tell the truth when they ask for your counsel. We should be able to help one another be accountable to self and grow without fear of loss or ridicule. Being honest with your sista might not be easy, but agreement by omission is not helping her at all.
If your sista is in a perpetual story, you are burnt out, and need to figure out what to do. Please start with securing who you are, and where you stand as a sista. Look at your boundaries for a relationship with her, and others. If you don’t have any it’s time to create some so that you don’t eventually snap due to pressure and mistreatment. Allow yourself to demand reciprocity and balance. Allow yourself the space to be honest. If honesty, with care, costs you a sista you must consider that relationship may not have been for you. Being loyal doesn’t me allowing someone to mistreat you. Sometimes being supportive means stepping back; you can offer advice, but you can’t live for her. Sometimes she has to learn to calm the storm, and that doesn’t make you an awful sista…it makes you one that truly cares for her wellbeing.
Staff Writer; Chelle’ St James
May also connect with this sister via Twitter; ChelleStJames.