(ThySistas.com) Who am I? This is a question that haunts many people. It is one that is often dictated by the validation and expectations of others. From the time we enter the world we are told who we are and what we should be. As women this is far more complex as there are rather rigid standards on what a woman is and how they ought to present. Guidance is definitely necessary when we are young and as we grow, but what kind we receive can empower us or set us up for hardship. As women, we can look at the world around us and point out how it contributes to an identity crisis.
We know there are systemic issues at play that cause one to ask “who am I”, questioning what we already know about self. Being able to define self opens up so many other doors whereby we can show up for ourselves. Knowing who you are helps inform how you interact with people, what you will tolerate, and can help one get outside of their heads to progress forward in life.
When was the last time you felt confident about how you see yourself in relation to the world around you? Do you find yourself constantly questioning self? Are you always excusing behaviors that are harmful because you are not sure of your response? Do you find it difficult to be yourself out loud taking the space you need? Are you adjusting how you feel about matters to appease those around you? Do you feel your sense of self is not accurate if others don’t validate you? Do you tend to adapt to the methods of others to be more acceptable in a space? All of these questions can lead to an understanding of if you truly know who you are, and it you value that person. Can you accept that person that is truly you? This is a tough internal work, and for many of us it is painful. As we unpack the question of whether we know ourselves we might end up acknowledging harm that has been done to us, but even more importantly the harm we have done to ourselves. Facing these things are often the biggest deterrents from doing the work to know ourselves and settle with that knowledge. The decision to get to know yourself is one of the best decisions you can make; it is worth the hard work and struggle to be able to sit comfortably within yourself.
Take the time to sit with yourself quietly. If no one would judge you, what do you like. What are the things you are passionate about? What informs your value system? I understand you might be hesitant at first or even feel you need help, and that is ok. However, before you reach out get some truth about you from you. It doesn’t have to always be deep, but its still a part of you. Example, I love black everything, black clothes, shoes, décor, jewelry…everything. Because I was told I look like the walking dead so much I begin to wear other colors so that I would not be ridiculed. That was not the real me. I might not seem like a big deal, but I started to see myself more as a character than as an individual. I became a walking character that others add to, and in that I lost myself. It started off as something so small, yet it an issue that spiraled into other areas.
I even began to internalize the words of others even though they were harmful to me. Before I knew it the majority of my person was created by the expectations and ridicule of others. I just wanted to be able to be present in spaces without the scrutiny. That was accomplished; however, it was at the cost of my person. I was not foreign to myself. The heartbreaker is, most of the people that are defining who you are negatively will not be present to help put you back together when the false identity implodes…and it will. You can only be a stranger to yourself for so long.
You are an individual and that is beautiful. Take time to know the truth of you and then let those that mean you well help add to it. A very dear sister of mine helped me realize my love for black is okay because it’s who I am. She is also the reason I came to realize I like splashes of color against my beloved black. Again, this is something simple, but as you settle into yourself there will be strong people that will value you as is and introduce you to things you can choose to incorporate. All of this leads to living in truth and living out loud. Even when it is not popular and unvalidated by some…its validated by you and that is want matters. More people will gravitate towards the real you than you dealing with people that only want a shell of you. You deserve to know yourself and like that person.
Staff Writer; Chelle’ St James
May also connect with this sister via Twitter; ChelleStJames.