(ThySistas.com) It seems to take a lot to come into self. There is a period where we are fighting to find out who we are, despite what everyone has to say about us. As life moves on, we tend to collect titles like Pokémon cards. Also, since the world is much smaller and digital, we can find that some titles become more expansive than we ever imagined. I have sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, and cousins all over the world. I would have never seen that coming, but this means finding the capacity for an enlarged space. For the most part, there is nothing wrong with this when beautiful people are added to the fabric of your life’s tapestry. What becomes an issue is when you are learning yourself and constantly growing, but you feel as though you must ow hide parts of yourself. To do this you might lean more into those titles. Becoming more of what is acceptable appears to shield you from judgement about the parts of yourself you tend to celebrate in secret.
Let’s all say it together, “I am more than my titles”! This is important because the hats that you wear in life should be an accessory to who you are in totality. When that is not the case you are not burying parts of yourself…you are literally losing them. Your identity has to come first, and you must find the courage to live that truth out loud. The spirituality that grounds you, food you love, music you listen to, books you read, how you care for self, your dreams & ambitions, your inhibitions even are all a collective part of your identity. None of these things should be downplayed or hidden for a title.
Validation is something that must start with you, and not anything nor anyone around you. This is very difficult for some of us, especially as women, because we are taught by society that outside validation is mandatory for acceptance. The thing we must consider is Black women have never received society’s validation, and we do not need it. This is something we must remove from our thought process when looking at self. Due to this it needs to spill into how we are received in community. Our people are not monoliths, and we are monoliths at the same time. This should not be a barrier in you speaking and owning yourself.
You might ask yourself, what does this have to do with titles? Well, how must do you downplay who you are to fit the role of a mother, wife, sister, cousin, friend, community advocate, co-worker, church member…the list can keep going. Yes, there are parts of ourselves that we keep to ourselves, but that is not the same as burying your identity. Do you silence yourself around family, have you been given the “this is what a wife should be” so you contort yourself to fit that title standard? Do you walk out your motherhood according to someone else? When you are at home alone listening to music do you run and change it when others arrive so that you are not seen as weird or different? If your answer is yes to questions like these people around, you don’t know you. One day that carefully scripted version of you is going to go up in ashes at the wrong time and under pressure. These might sound like small things, but they bleed into other areas of life and become a snowball effect. One way to find your circle is to be unapologetically you. In that moment you will see who is for you, and who is not. When you run in your own lane you give others permission to do the same. You are teaching your children, and the youth you encounter in community to choose themselves. It will be challenged, and some will fight about it, but it is your person. We should not just demand that other groups respect our autonomy…we must also demand it from our people and our own selves.
I remember getting married and spending the first few years in a battle with who I am versus the expectations of a wife. My person was attached to justify making me a better spouse. I was literally told I wasn’t a good wife, at the time, and that I was harming my husband. Due to this I adjusted. Several changes to my person, demeanor and even presentation changed. It was actually my husband that called me on it. My father called me on it…he reminded me that I was not raised to be a title…I was raised to be myself. This is what I mean when I say sis you are more than the title. Titles change…some come, and others go, but you will always remain. Learn yourself, embrace that woman, accept her, love on her, speak life into her, and let her shine. Every title you have, and every person you love will benefit from knowing the real you.
Staff Writer; Christian Starr
May connect with this sister over at Facebook; https://www.facebook.com/christian.pierre.9809 and also Twitter; http://twitter.com/MrzZeta.