(ThySistas.com) This previous year found many of us reeling from hurtful relationships. There has been parental hurt, sibling hurt, sister circle and brother circle hurt, children hurt, romantic relationship hurt and friend hurt. Some even experiences pain from hurtful work relationships. The elections cause some to experience hurt in neighborhoods where positive community relationships were destroyed behind political positions that masked moral and ethical issues. The emotional and physical consequences have been heavy for so many. One of the hardest things to do is to sit back and honestly assess self. We want to deal with what others have done to us. We can wrap our minds, at the very least, around the fact that we have been or are currently being mistreated. The harder part comes when we must look at ourselves in the matter. It is not easy to acknowledge we invited and fought for some of the red flag that would wreak havoc in our life.
This is very important if you are at get to a place where you are constantly being victimized by the same kinds of people and situations. You could be an amazing person, but if you are not aware of how others around you move [or see their behavior and feel like you can help] you could find yourself in the cycle of red flags that become a cycle of pain. Not only do you get hurt, but you risk becoming the person that hurts others due to the pain you have suffered. There is nothing wrong with fighting for the people you love; however, you want to be sure that you are honest with yourself and not fighting for red flags.
One of the hardest things to do is to acknowledge and accept that everyone is not going to care the way you do. On the one hand this can be expected as we are all different and show care and love in different ways. However, someone in your life should want to meet you halfway in treating you in a manner that is most beneficial to you. If you have that person, regardless of which kind of relationship, constantly wants you to care about their day, their job, their hardship…but never has to listen to these same things as it pertains to you the at is a red flag. Stop trying to excuse it because they are going through so much, or because you remember a season where they cared more…even if it wasn’t much. When you make excuses for their behavior you belittle your own value. In that moment you lie to self, and them, about what you need.
You are dishonest about the fact that it hurts until you are no longer able to deny it, or what they are disregarding about is so blatant it breaks your heart immediately. Please try not to see you accessing self as shaming yourself, nor dismissing the behavior of another and taking blame onto yourself. Realizing that you have a right to be treated properly, and the right to create boundaries is growth and it minimizes emotional damage caused by the mistreatment of others. You can’t stop someone from being toxic, but when those red flags show themselves you should act according to your best interest.
Everyone has a life and a schedule. You might not have the time or capacity to answer the phone every day and that is okay. When you have people in your life that prioritize their peace, need for time for themselves, and their capacity you should respect those boundaries. The red flag comes in when you respect this, but the same is not respected by you. They get upset when you don’t answer immediately, you are accused of not caring, being selfish, and even abandoning them. It can pull on your heart strings when you know none of these things are your intention. So, you answer, you show up…you create space and neglect the things you need to do for yourself care.
The crazy part is these are often the same people that will verbally chastise you for not taking care of yourself. It feels like a catch 22, if you tend to yourself, you are selfish but if you are now unwell you should have cared for yourself. It’s not like you ghosted them, you can communicate that you need the day, are tired, have not eaten, need to use the restroom…and they expect you to tend to their call or need. When you see this happening, you can’t excuse the behavior. Not fighting for red flags means taking a stand for self. You deserve happiness and to be treated with the care you give. However, that is not going to happen if you fight for people that do not mean you well…be it intentional or not. You must stand for reciprocity and fairness as a principle, and those that you lose due to no longer tolerating the red flags are worth the peace you will gain.
Staff Writer; Chelle’ St James
May also connect with this sister via Twitter; ChelleStJames.