(ThySistas.com) I remember watching my dear friends get married wondering when love was going to knock at my door. I has a few relationships that I thought was going to take me to the alter only to encounter heartbreak. I always took the position that something was wrong with me. Maybe if my accident has not left my face scared, maybe if I didn’t have illness, even maybe if I had more family, he would have loved me. Well, finally my “Mr. Right” showed up. He was more like Mr. Wrong, but I wanted to believe he loved me regardless of my physical shortcoming. I just know if I was loyal and a good woman to him everything was going to be great. I could have never been more wrong. I allowed myself to be abused for the sake of saying I wasn’t alone. I took myself to the alter for the sake of being able to say, “look at me I is married now”. I knew this man wanted someone he could control, and he never did love me. I was smart, and tenacious…I was a fighter, but he was the hunter.
For five years I lived with constant verbal, mental, and spiritual abuse. My health declined due to the stress…and the STD he brought home. He cheated on me with more women than I could count…yet I was still there when he came home. There was some security in being held and having a man in my home. At least I knew him I often told myself…until I could no longer justify my existence as he allowed me to lay in the hospital to die alone. It was time to stop lying, and clean house.
Sistahs there are many of us that can identify with my narrative. They just want to be loved more than they loved themselves which lead to toxic relationships, and marriages. The abuse was endless and allowed for the sake of not being alone and feeling connected to something. However, is a connection worth it when you are connected to hell? If you manage to clean your house, temple and get your spirit back be careful that the toxic element may try to show up again. Sometimes, there is this dormant period after the toxicity ends. In that space we should be working on loving self, connecting with self, and re-establishing what is wanted and needed in this life. Instead more focus is often placed on what we do not have. I don’t feel loved. I need a man to hold me. I don’t feel anything, and I yearn to feel something again. In this state of focus many of us are confronted by the pain we put out the house. In this moment we are faced with a decision that will determine the future.
I know it can be very difficult when you crave feeling loved and protected. These feeling are very natural, but would you rather settle for an illusion. The pain you put away is still pain. They may offer an immediate thrill, physical gratification, and idea that maybe this time it won’t hurt so bad. Sistah it’s not supposed to hurt at all. Remember where you have been, and why pain was put out of your life. know that though you feel weak at the moment there is strength if you are willing to re-focus your perspective. You must love yourself more than your cravings. You must love yourself deeply so that the next person to come into your life understands your standard of love. Don’t settle for what once threatened to put your lights out. Focus on what you have, and don’t discount the people in your life that genuinely love you. Allow yourself to live, meet new people of substance, and love in truth. Bury the door to pain.
Staff Writer; Chelle’ St James
May also connect with this sister via Twitter; ChelleStJames.