For me, anxiety shows up quietly at first. A tightness in my chest. A thought that loops a little too long. A feeling that I’m supposed to be doing something even when I’m already doing everything. Nothing seems to be enough, so there is no rest. Eventually a shutdown of sorts happens, but not in a way that is noticeable to others. And being Black adds its own layer, because half the time, I’m not just worried about life, I’m worried about how I’m being perceived while living it. It’s like carrying two backpacks: one filled with normal human stress, and another stuffed with the weight of being watched, judged, targeted and misunderstood. Through it all I am expected to be functional, and “grateful” in the mist of blatant oppression.

This year especially, it feels like the world is moving faster than anyone can keep up with. Technology is changing, politics are loud, and every time you open your phone, there’s another headline that makes your stomach drop. And while everyone feels that pressure, being Black means you’re also navigating the subtle and not‑so‑subtle reminders that your safety, your voice, and your peace aren’t guaranteed. That alone can make your nervous system feel like it’s running a marathon.

I’ve noticed that a lot of us carry anxiety in silence because we were raised to push through. We come from families that survived things far heavier than panic attacks, so we tell ourselves we should be able to handle it. But survival mode isn’t the same as peace. And pretending you’re not anxious doesn’t make the anxiety disappear, it just makes it louder when it finally breaks through.

What’s helped me is admitting that anxiety doesn’t make me weak. It makes me human. And honestly, it makes sense. When you grow up hearing stories about what could happen if you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time, or if you speak too boldly, or if you don’t speak at all, your body learns to stay alert. Even when you’re safe, your mind doesn’t always believe it. That’s not paranoia. That’s conditioning.

In 2026, therapy is more normalized in our community than it used to be, but there’s still hesitation. Some of us don’t trust the system feeling that what we share will be weaponized in some way. Some don’t want to open up to a stranger. Some don’t want to revisit things they’ve spent years trying to bury. I get that. But I’ve learned that talking to someone who understands—whether it’s a therapist, a friend, or even a journal—can feel like finally loosening a knot you didn’t realize had been there for years.

I’ve also had to learn that rest is not a reward. It’s a requirement. Black people are often expected to be strong, productive, unbothered, and endlessly resilient. But resilience without rest turns into exhaustion. And exhaustion turns into anxiety. So I’ve been practicing small things: stepping outside for air, putting my phone down when the news gets too heavy, letting myself say no without guilt, and reminding myself that I don’t have to earn calm.

Another thing that helps is community. There’s something healing about being around other Black people who just get it without you having to explain. The laughter hits different. The silence hits different. The understanding hits different. Sometimes managing anxiety isn’t about fixing anything, it’s about not feeling alone in it.

And honestly, joy is medicine too. Not the forced kind, not the “smile through the pain” kind, but the real moments that remind you your life is bigger than your stress. Cooking a meal you love. Listening to music that makes your shoulders drop. Watching something silly. Dancing in your living room. Letting yourself feel good without apologizing for it.

Being Black and anxious in 2026 is complicated, but it’s not hopeless. We’re learning to name what we feel, to ask for help, to rest without shame, and to build spaces where our nervous systems can finally unclench. We deserve that. We always have. And maybe that’s the quiet revolution happening right now—not just surviving but learning how to breathe again.

Staff Writer; Christian Starr

May connect with this sister over at Facebook; https://www.facebook.com/christian.pierre.9809 and also Twitter; http://twitter.com/MrzZeta.

We know there are systemic issues at play that cause one to ask “who am I”, questioning what we already know about self.   Being able to define self opens up so many other doors whereby we can show up for ourselves. Knowing who you are helps inform how you interact with people, what you will tolerate, and can help one get outside of their heads to progress forward in life.

When was the last time you felt confident about how you see yourself in relation to the world around you? Do you find yourself constantly questioning self? Are you always excusing behaviors that are harmful because you are not sure of your response? Do you find it difficult to be yourself out loud taking the space you need? Are you adjusting how you feel about matters to appease those around you? Do you feel your sense of self is not accurate if others don’t validate you? Do you tend to adapt to the methods of others to be more acceptable in a space? All of these questions can lead to an understanding of if you truly know who you are, and it you value that person. Can you accept that person that is truly you? This is a tough internal work, and for many of us it is painful. As we unpack the question of whether we know ourselves we might end up acknowledging harm that has been done to us, but even more importantly the harm we have done to ourselves. Facing these things are often the biggest deterrents from doing the work to know ourselves and settle with that knowledge. The decision to get to know yourself is one of the best decisions you can make; it is worth the hard work and struggle to be able to sit comfortably within yourself.

Take the time to sit with yourself quietly. If no one would judge you, what do you like. What are the things you are passionate about? What informs your value system? I understand you might be hesitant at first or even feel you need help, and that is ok. However, before you reach out get some truth about you from you. It doesn’t have to always be deep, but its still a part of you. Example, I love black everything, black clothes, shoes, décor, jewelry…everything. Because I was told I look like the walking dead so much I begin to wear other colors so that I would not be ridiculed. That was not the real me. I might not seem like a big deal, but I started to see myself more as a character than as an individual. I became a walking character that others add to, and in that I lost myself. It started off as something so small, yet it an issue that spiraled into other areas.

I even began to internalize the words of others even though they were harmful to me. Before I knew it the majority of my person was created by the expectations and ridicule of others. I just wanted to be able to be present in spaces without the scrutiny. That was accomplished; however, it was at the cost of my person. I was not foreign to myself.  The heartbreaker is, most of the people that are defining who you are negatively will not be present to help put you back together when the false identity implodes…and it will. You can only be a stranger to yourself for so long.

You are an individual and that is beautiful. Take time to know the truth of you and then let those that mean you well help add to it. A very dear sister of mine helped me realize my love for black is okay because it’s who I am. She is also the reason I came to realize I like splashes of color against my beloved black. Again, this is something simple, but as you settle into yourself there will be strong people that will value you as is and introduce you to things you can choose to incorporate. All of this leads to living in truth and living out loud. Even when it is not popular and unvalidated by some…its validated by you and that is want matters. More people will gravitate towards the real you than you dealing with people that only want a shell of you. You deserve to know yourself and like that person.

Staff Writer; Chelle’ St James

May also connect with this sister via Twitter; ChelleStJames.

The mentor knows your spiritual goals, life goals, and career goals. Sometimes this person assists as mentor to all those areas, and of course it could be individuals for each area. She is who we go to for direction, and for knowledge of how to move ourselves from one point in our journey to the next. She knows our strengths and weaknesses and helps us grow in strength and diminish weaknesses. There is confidence that must be kept because often times you are an open book to your mentor. It is imperative that this Sistah does not envy you, is not jealous of you, does not see you as a threat, and does not diminish you. And in like fashion you should not have a mentor you are envious of, jealous of, or see as a threat. Trust is important because at some point this person will know you enough to do as much harm as she does good towards you.

Far too often when we find a sistah that can actually mentor us and can understand who we are there is an excitement and an ease that comes over us. We feel that we are not alone as we push forward towards our goal. There is a camaraderie amongst sistahs, and we not only trust our mentor, but we will stand with them and defend them fiercely. This is a beautiful relationship amongst Black women and has gotten many of us through degree programs, through loss & trauma, and helped us situate self in our spiritual walk.

It is important that we choose our mentor wisely. For as influential and positive as this relationship can be…it can be equally, if not more, destructive. If you find yourself in a situation whereby you mentor sistah is experiencing trauma it is natural to want to stand by her side and be there for her. However, if she begins to lash out causing you to bare the brunt of her anger and hurt you might need to step back. If you find that in the pain and abuse she is enduring envy seeps in, it is important to notice this and re-evaluate the nature of the relationship. You would know something is off if she once kept you mindful of your goals, and now she advises in a way that will stagnate you or set you back. You may experience micro-aggression as things are said to you that make you feel inferior while she appears to be empowered. There can also be gaslighting and more belittling under the guise of corrective criticism and wisdom. In worse cases, especially where academia and spiritual matter are involved, you may be led to view yourself as less and even subservient to the mentor. These are just a few warning signs that you need to remove yourself.

No mentor relationship is perfect as we are all human. However, you must choose this person wisely knowing that they will not harm you when they face their worst. You must want to see each other win. It’s easy to say, but too many Sistahs are in dangerous competition with each other for various reasons. Regardless of the reason, it harms the women involved, the women that witness, and the next generation coming. Be mindful of how all parts of your sistah circle is assembled and be sure you are not the toxic in the circle either.  We must mentor and walk with each other in love and support. When one of us rises all of us rise.

Staff Writer; Christian Starr

May connect with this sister over at Facebook; https://www.facebook.com/christian.pierre.9809 and also Twitter; http://twitter.com/MrzZeta.

The process began with skepticism. I approached the book wary of platitudes and empty affirmations, concerned that its advice would be generic, offensive, or something that is tone deaf to me as a Black person and a Black woman. Yet, as I read, I found myself drawn into the author’s narrative. The stories and anecdotes are often familiar, sprinkled with failures and small victories that mirrored my own life. I tend to feel like I’ve heard this before. That’s not always bad, because sometimes we need to hear a different voice. The books do not pretend that change came easily or instantly; instead, it emphasized the importance of small, consistent actions—a concept I found both comforting, attainable and necessarily repetitive.

Many self-help books offer a toolkit for living: exercises in gratitude, frameworks for goal setting, methods for reframing negative thoughts. This book was no different, but what set it apart was the way it invited me to personalize the advice. Rather than prescribing a rigid schedule or a one-size-fits-all solution, it encouraged reflection, self-assessment, and gradual experimentation. Some parts of the exercises reminded me that I needed to chart my path

For example, many of the self-help books speak to cultivating mindfulness in daily routines. The author suggested a simple breathing exercise to anchor myself in the present moment. Though initially skeptical, I tried it before stressful meetings or during moments of overwhelm. Over time, this small practice became a refuge—a way to reset my focus and approach challenges with greater clarity.

Another section explored the art of setting achievable goals. Instead of pushing for dramatic transformation, the book recommended breaking ambitions into manageable tasks. This approach helped me rediscover a sense of progress, even on days when motivation was scarce. A checklist at the end of each chapter served as a gentle nudge, a reminder that personal growth is cumulative.

No journey of self-improvement is free of setbacks. I encountered resistance, both internal and external. Some days, the advice felt simplistic or contrived. There were moments when I slipped back into old habits, frustrated by the gap between intention and action. The book, however, anticipated these hurdles. It devoted a chapter to “embracing imperfection” and offered strategies for handling failure—treating it not as a verdict, but as a teacher.

This perspective was transformative. It allowed me to forgive myself for stumbling, to understand that relapse is not a sign of futility but a natural part of the process. Instead of abandoning the book in disappointment, I found myself returning to its pages, seeking reassurance and recalibration.

So, did the self-help book help me? The answer, though nuanced, is largely affirmative. The greatest gift the book offered was not a magical formula for happiness, but a new way of seeing myself and my circumstances. Its lessons rippled outward, shaping the way I interact with others, approaching my work, and care for my own well-being. I walked away realizing my ancestors were right, and that some principles are universal.

It would be disingenuous to claim that the book solved all my problems or transformed my life overnight. Its impact was subtle, cumulative, and sometimes difficult to measure. There were passages that felt irrelevant, advice that didn’t resonate, and moments when motivation waned. But the act of engaging with the book—of dedicating time to reflection, learning, and self-experimentation—was itself beneficial. Self-help, I realized, is not about finding answers but about asking better questions. The book’s true strength lies in reminding me that change is possible, even if it’s incremental and imperfect. It served less as an oracle and more as a companion, offering guidance without judgment.

In the final reckoning, the question “Did the Self-Help Book Help?” is not a binary one. The book was neither a panacea nor a placebo; it was a catalyst. It nudged me toward greater self-understanding, invited me to challenge my assumptions, and provided practical tools for navigating the complexities of daily life. Its influence persists in small ways—in the rituals I’ve adopted, the kindness I extend to myself, and the curiosity with which I approach new challenges. I realized that I would engage Self Help books to help confirm what I already know, or to hear what I’ve been taught from a different perspective. As I read, I often heard the voice of elders and parents.

The journey of self-development is never truly finished, and no book can offer a universal blueprint. The self-help book was a helpful addition—a spark that continues to illuminate my path, one step at a time.

Staff Writer; Christian Starr

May connect with this sister over at Facebook; https://www.facebook.com/christian.pierre.9809 and also Twitter; http://twitter.com/MrzZeta.

Let’s all say it together, “I am more than my titles”! This is important because the hats that you wear in life should be an accessory to who you are in totality. When that is not the case you are not burying parts of yourself…you are literally losing them. Your identity has to come first, and you must find the courage to live that truth out loud. The spirituality that grounds you, food you love, music you listen to, books you read, how you care for self, your dreams & ambitions, your inhibitions even are all a collective part of your identity. None of these things should be downplayed or hidden for a title.

Validation is something that must start with you, and not anything nor anyone around you. This is very difficult for some of us, especially as women, because we are taught by society that outside validation is mandatory for acceptance. The thing we must consider is Black women have never received society’s validation, and we do not need it. This is something we must remove from our thought process when looking at self. Due to this it needs to spill into how we are received in community. Our people are not monoliths, and we are monoliths at the same time. This should not be a barrier in you speaking and owning yourself.

You might ask yourself, what does this have to do with titles? Well, how must do you downplay who you are to fit the role of a mother, wife, sister, cousin, friend, community advocate, co-worker, church member…the list can keep going. Yes, there are parts of ourselves that we keep to ourselves, but that is not the same as burying your identity. Do you silence yourself around family, have you been given the “this is what a wife should be” so you contort yourself to fit that title standard? Do you walk out your motherhood according to someone else? When you are at home alone listening to music do you run and change it when others arrive so that you are not seen as weird or different? If your answer is yes to questions like these people around, you don’t know you. One day that carefully scripted version of you is going to go up in ashes at the wrong time and under pressure. These might sound like small things, but they bleed into other areas of life and become a snowball effect. One way to find your circle is to be unapologetically you. In that moment you will see who is for you, and who is not. When you run in your own lane you give others permission to do the same. You are teaching your children, and the youth you encounter in community to choose themselves. It will be challenged, and some will fight about it, but it is your person. We should not just demand that other groups respect our autonomy…we must also demand it from our people and our own selves.

I remember getting married and spending the first few years in a battle with who I am versus the expectations of a wife. My person was attached to justify making me a better spouse. I was literally told I wasn’t a good wife, at the time, and that I was harming my husband. Due to this I adjusted. Several changes to my person, demeanor and even presentation changed. It was actually my husband that called me on it. My father called me on it…he reminded me that I was not raised to be a title…I was raised to be myself. This is what I mean when I say sis you are more than the title. Titles change…some come, and others go, but you will always remain. Learn yourself, embrace that woman, accept her, love on her, speak life into her, and let her shine. Every title you have, and every person you love will benefit from knowing the real you.

Staff Writer; Christian Starr

May connect with this sister over at Facebook; https://www.facebook.com/christian.pierre.9809 and also Twitter; http://twitter.com/MrzZeta.

It is a terrible feeling to come to the conclusion that you feel like an outsider with no community…no family. Regardless of if that is the fact of the matter technically, the reality of how you feel takes center stage. The world is smaller, and no lover requires transportation to constitute a sense of community. What you need for social validation, and a sense of community whereby you are truly seen and understood might the virtual.

Some of us grew up in a world whereby community was based on experience and proximity to the people we considered a part of said community. It may not have just been our neighborhood…but the city, state, or region we lived in. Unfortunately, this is no longer the case. We are more spread out whether it was to go to college and we never move back, jobs move us to another part of the country, or natural disasters displace us. For many reasons we no longer live in our bubble. Another thing to consider is we can be among each other physically, but we no longer align. In this instance relationships are being held together by blood, obligation, trauma, and even love.

Nevertheless, this is no longer your village in a supportive common ground’s basis. Too many of us live in this reality and it gives place to mental and physical health issues as we are merely existing but not living. In this space you can be surrounded by people that know of you but do not know you…you are isolated and alone.

Though we can be leery of it, technology does have its assets. Through social media many of us engage with others and the issues of our communities and country. Because of technology, the world is much smaller. There is a virtual community for just about everything for just about everyone. Before you speak against it remember once upon a time there were those leery of a telephone, a TV, a computer. As time went on, how we interacted with each other evolved. Though you should do so carefully one should consider interacting with the world. You will find there are people you can talk to about life and living that are outside of your community physically, but in terms of values and interests they are your village. Family might take on a new meaning as it can become more than blood and close proximity to you. This means we don’t have to be alone; we just have to be willing to get out into creation in a different form.

Its okay to be apprehensive. However, you are living in isolation when there are options. This is where we might want to be less stubborn. There are people who will genuinely bond with you and should up for you when they have never met you in person a day in their life. They might be across the world from you. However, they talk with you, engage in hobbies with you, sit on video chat with you when you are in distress, some have helped you making sure you had enough money to eat or keep the utilities on, they remember your birthday and genuinely care about your wellbeing. Just as you aren’t a crazy person on the internet there are others out there just as sane. I was playing a game on Xbox, and the game has a pretty tight community. One of the gamers passed away and in the community’s way we mourned her and honored her life as we knew it. Even though many of us never met her in person she mattered to us all. It may be time to consider that your community might be virtual, especially when you can’t move around much, or your current community is toxic to you. Allow yourself to have a chance to interact with people that will value you…even if they are far away.

Staff Writer; Chelle’ St James

May also connect with this sister via Twitter; ChelleStJames.

Furthermore, one can argue there is more to facilitating marriage than just the ceremony and signing the documents. Getting ordained as a minister can be a step in the direction of starting a church, building a congregation and having people that look to you for spiritual council and leadership. While this is happening there are conversations being has now about the order of our services, how the Word is being taught, what the church’s responsibilities are withing community…and if the church is still a valid institution. It’s hard to have these conversations when someone can just hop online and decide to be ordained without training. Its understand able that this is liberating to some, but it can be dangerous for the masses as ordination is a serious matter.

Marriage is something  that is being re-defined, but the nature of it for many have not changed. It is still seen as a covenant steeped in commitment,  love, and longsuffering. Many are still marrying and fighting for those marriages daily. Marriage counselors in the faith and within the mental health industry are needed to help navigate the nuances and difficulties of marriage for so many. The church use to be a place people would go when they needed guidance for their marriage when hardships arise, and before the marriage. Usually the pastor that does the marriage counseling might be the pastor presiding over the nuptials. This is not something random…depending on the faiths of the couple they would want their minister to understand the spiritual ramifications of marriage. This is difficult when the person presiding does not have that background. They might be able to offer logical advice but can it be considered sound spiritually. This is not to say it can’t happen…but one can argue more should be involved than just an online piece of paper.

Once could ask what of the Justice of the Peace. Well, that is a judge presiding over the legal aspects of a marriage. There is no counselling, and no expectation of such…there is no spiritual culture involved. Going to the Justice of the Peace is purely legal. The judge is certified and their area to perform the ceremony. The credentials and expectation check out. Whereas this might not be the case if someone is just performing marriages with no knowledge base. The responsibilities of a judge are understood from the beginning.

One can argue we need to have more care given in church for those who are called to ministry. It can be said that too many are in positions they are not called for, and there are two many on the pew that should be ministering to the people. The nepotism and clique behavior in church ministry…the politics of it is something that has to be looked at and addressed honestly. It is something that the congregation is going to have to take a stance about. Not only does it lead to poor leadership, but it can open the door for what we are seeing in the sense that some feel its better to just get an online ordination verse having to be taught or go through any process. When the call to ministry becomes unfair…the call itself can be misused.

Becoming an ordained minister is about more than performing marriages. The responsibilities are deep and necessary within a congregation. There has to be a change within the church as the culture of it is at risk. The faith is riddled with problematic issues that could be addressed if God and the people were the focus. That is also a part of the responsibilities of ministry…do you care for the people of God. Are you ministering to the youth, caring for the elderly, caring for the ill, caring for the widows…being a beacon of light for our community? All of this is more than just a marriage ceremony, but it call comes with the title of ordained minister.

Staff Writer; Chelle’ St James

May also connect with this sister via Twitter; ChelleStJames.

This is very important if you are at get to a place where you are constantly being victimized by the same kinds of people and situations. You could be an amazing person, but if you are not aware of how others around you move [or see their behavior and feel like you can help] you could find yourself in the cycle of red flags that become a cycle of pain. Not only do you get hurt, but you risk becoming the person that hurts others due to the pain you have suffered. There is nothing wrong with fighting for the people you love; however, you want to be sure that you are honest with yourself and not fighting for red flags.

One of the hardest things to do is to acknowledge and accept that everyone is not going to care the way you do. On the one hand this can be expected as we are all different and show care and love in different ways. However, someone in your life should want to meet you halfway in treating you in a manner that is most beneficial to you. If you have that person, regardless of which kind of relationship, constantly wants you to care about their day, their job, their hardship…but never has to listen to these same things as it pertains to you the at is a red flag. Stop trying to excuse it because they are going through so much, or because you remember a season where they cared more…even if it wasn’t much. When you make excuses for their behavior you belittle your own value. In that moment you lie to self, and them, about what you need.

You are dishonest about the fact that it hurts until you are no longer able to deny it, or what they are disregarding about is so blatant it breaks your heart immediately. Please try not to see you accessing self as shaming yourself, nor dismissing the behavior of another and taking blame onto yourself. Realizing that you have a right to be treated properly, and the right to create boundaries is growth and it minimizes emotional damage caused by the mistreatment of others. You can’t stop someone from being toxic, but when those red flags show themselves you should act according to your best interest.

Everyone has a life and a schedule. You might not have the time or capacity to answer the phone every day and that is okay. When you have people in your life that prioritize their peace, need for time for themselves, and their capacity you should respect those boundaries. The red flag comes in when you respect this, but the same is not respected by you. They get upset when you don’t answer immediately, you are accused of not caring, being selfish, and even abandoning them. It can pull on your heart strings when you know none of these things are your intention. So, you answer, you show up…you create space and neglect the things you need to do for yourself care.

The crazy part is these are often the same people that will verbally chastise you for not taking care of yourself. It feels like a catch 22, if you tend to yourself, you are selfish but if you are now unwell you should have cared for yourself. It’s not like you ghosted them, you can communicate that you need the day, are tired, have not eaten, need to use the restroom…and they expect you to tend to their call or need. When you see this happening, you can’t excuse the behavior. Not fighting for red flags means taking a stand for self. You deserve happiness and to be treated with the care you give. However, that is not going to happen if you fight for people that do not mean you well…be it intentional or not. You must stand for reciprocity and fairness as a principle, and those that you lose due to no longer tolerating the red flags are worth the peace you will gain.

Staff Writer; Chelle’ St James

May also connect with this sister via Twitter; ChelleStJames.

Yes, some of us are looking at the Black women in that 8% like how could you betray yourself and us in that voting booth…we are fighting for an understanding that is lost on us. Some of us have family member that are not black by marriage and the political positions have turned the family into a battleground. There are those of us that have had friends of other races since childhood, and now we are looking at them for the first time like they are not only strangers…but enemies. This is one of the hardest kinds of re-evaluations to undergo because thought here is a lot of progress in the country we live in, we are being reminded of how much progress has not taken place.

If you find yourself having to access the people in your life you might want to begin by allowing you to have a moment and feel the emotions that are manifesting in you. If you feel hurt, betrayal , misunderstanding, like you are about to grieve loss…allow yourself to acknowledge these feelings. Black women are strong, but our feelings are not bulletproof. We have a right to feel as though others voted against their best interested to spite us. You have every right to stop and take the time you need to sit with how you are feeling, and do not allow anyone to tell you otherwise…especially not a person from another group. If you can sit with other sisters, elders, and brothers in community that can show you care and empathy…as they understand. Allow your village that is supportive to be a safe space. When you are ready….then deal with the state of the relationships that are in shambles.

Family is usually a very sensitive and difficult space to navigate during these times. You may find yourself being the safe space for family that have married other races that took a political stance that would harm the Black family they not have….that would harm their spouse and children.  Sometimes all you can do is help keep what little peace is available. Basically this means keeping family out of jail and altercations. This may be easier than looking the Black family member in the face that sided with their spouse against their very Black selves, family and children. When it’s your sibling, parent, or child that can cut deep and strain relationships beyond words. Even in these situations we must summon the strength to evaluate the relationships in front of us. We’ll always love family, but for a season they may have to be loved from a distance. No one suffers more than the children in these family fall outs. However, we must prioritize peace, healing and principle.

Relationships are ending as in romantic connections because you simply do not feel safe. The elections has people evaluating if they could in good faith be with a person that would not prioritize their safety. Some Black women found themselves questioning their partners of a different race. As the arguments ensued hearts were breaking. There are those sisters that wanted to understand…they wanted to believe the person they were with were not racists, sexists, or disregarding of their plight as a Black person in America, and as a Black woman in America. Unfortunately, some were forced to walk away because there couldn’t stay in good faith. They could not sleep next to someone that would not stand with them.

There are lifelong friendships that died this past November. Looking back some of us saw red flags we missed due to close proximity or just that the relationship had been with us since youth. Either way we are all adults now and we see that there are some we have loved deeply that no longer have a place in our circle because their presence is both toxic and inherently dangerous.  This is the reality check that childhood friendships did not survive societal ills. This year for the sake of peace and safety we will have to re-evaluate the nature of various relationships.

Staff Writer; Chelle’ St James

May also connect with this sister via Twitter; ChelleStJames.

We make sly comments about those that appear to depend on others, especially if it’s a man, while we low key lament not having a support system that shows up for us. This can lead to the sabotage of a proper support system because we are in denial that one is needed while our hearts plead. The few people allowed near us, or survive our hypocritical standards, are often pushed past their capacity because they know we are not as strong as we depict…and if they don’t answer no one will. As we prepare to go into another year, as a collective and individually we as Black women must understand living alone…and isolated can be scary. Embracing this truth does not make us week…it is allowing self to acknowledge the humanity and vulnerability within. We do not know what the upcoming years will hold, but if we are internally uncomfortable with a state of living alone, we need to acknowledge this to ourselves before anything can change.

When we think about living alone, we tend to limit that to just being in a physical living space by ourselves. Often times we neglect that we can be surrounded by others and be in a state of living alone. Physical isolation is not required to be isolated. With that being said, for some that isolation is played out physically. It’s understood that some of us have no choice in that matter, but some of us do and choose loneliness to our own detriment. Let me just say we are not talking about putting oneself in hostile and toxic environments for the sake of living amongst others. No, we’re talking about allowing oneself to accept help, be among others that would love and protect us, and acknowledging when the world becomes a scary place in whatever way that surfaces.

For some of us health challenges and the anxiety that comes with them can be exacerbated when the risk of having a health episode alone sinks in. For others it could be realizing you are alone in an unsafe environment you can not manage. However, it can also be something as simple as not facing internal hardships alone…not saying a single word when you have people that would gladly show up for you. This community could be made of various individuals, organizations, and institutions…by now we understand it doesn’t have to be blood. Sometimes the hardest part of this matter is coming to terms with the fact that those that show up very well may not be biological family. Struggling with the trauma of conflict with biological family runs deep for so many of us. There might be times that we long for blood family so much that we push away the cultural and spiritual family the universe has given us. This not only leads to living alone in a sense, but also more emotional trauma. Life will already bring various hardships…we need not make it worse by isolating self while chasing those that harm us.

Recently I experience this scary loneliness as my home was broken into. Part of me wished a strong man lived in my home instead of me being single. There was part of me that felt like my space being violated cut me off from others so though people cared I felt alone. There was the feeling of wishing the little blood family had would move towards me like they cared. The reality of my deteriorating health was overwhelming as my mind grappled with the what it’s that could have happened. I would have not been able to defend not help myself. However, in all of this once thing I forced myself to acknowledge is I do have a village. I do have people in my life that care and at this moment I need them. I need to not live in loneliness and fear. No degree of independence could accommodate for the need of human connection. I say this knowing it’s not easy. If you are feeling alone allow the village that loved you to kill the fear and embrace you.

Staff Writer; Chelle’ St James

May also connect with this sister via Twitter; ChelleStJames.